I have been questioning myself of my life lately. How have I really been living it or rather, am I even living up to it. I remember myself as someone who is (was) lively. Can't deny that I miss that self pretty much on a constant basis. I always love life. Even how nasty a day could be I'll deal with it... Not untill these happened. I lost touched of life. I lived in a fearful day to day beat. I am very afraid. Afraid to lose it, afraid to face it & very afraid to deal with it. Till then we have come in terms with it and is now dealing it. Nevertheless the process of dealing it require so much courage. I'm seen frequently at home that's because I do not want to leave home too far. Afraid that if I do things will not fall in place too neat. I lived my day being worried scared followed by frightening nightmares. So Much of wanting a companion to take away my pain, even if it's for awhile I welcome it, however, I am lazy to reach. Lazy to reach for help. I can't find the best candidate or maybe I am not willing to stay open to my problems. Maybe I chose to bury myself with all the anixety. Notwithstanding it, I want to smile and live so freaking bad.